I don't know about you, but my (romantic) relationship is a never-ending process of (re)discovering 1) Who I am, 2) What triggers me, 3) WHY things trigger me, and 4) Shifting my reactions into healthy responses. We have a lot of healthy conversations around here (although I dare say we could use more). And something about them that's been interesting and surreal is the uncomfortable practice of recognizing when I'm being triggered and/or reacting to something, while simultaneously staying present with myself AND the conversation (and yes, with my partner) to hear the words being said WITHOUT assigning meaning to them (ESPECIALLY when I'm being triggered).
I've always knows that the "hard" (and necessary) conversations seemed to be harder for me to bring up than others. Anyone I've dated for any length of time would be able to tell you exactly when I want to talk about something heavy. In the past it was always preceded with, "Can we talk?", which probably seems normal enough (or does it???) but when laced with my physical stance and the forced tone in my voice, is less than exciting for everyone involved (yeah, ME too!). Which isn't surprising. Growing up we just didn't talk about things in our household. We didn't talk about what we needed or wanted. We didn't talk about what upset us. We didn't share when something hurt us. We didn't express emotion much (and there was NO healthy anger or heavy emotions until someone "snapped"). We didn't attempt to bridge understanding. We just didn't talk about ANY of it. So shocker that, years later, I still feel triggered sometimes when there's a conversation that needs to be had (and thank goodness for the awareness to recognize that trigger). But even in knowing that, and in having a partner that's pretty dang easy to talk to (although that "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus." disconnect in communication is REAL, my friends) I still find myself shutting down or getting defensive in certain conversations. Which is why what I heard the other day felt like my TRUTH, and inspired me to challenge myself even more in these situations. What I heard was something like this, "All day, every day, I walk around this complete Bad-Ass. I trust my gut. I take the reigns on my decisions. I stand in my power while I make decisions, communicate with others, and lead my teams. I feel like a grown-ass woman. But when I get home, and we're in the midst of a discussion, it's almost like I turn into this little girl who doesn't know who she is, what she wants, and knows how to stand up for herself." HOLY SHIT. That's what I feel like sometimes!!!
Over the years the boyfriend and I have definitely bridged more and more understanding between the two of us. But there are still these moments of, "what the hell just happened" that neither of us can make heads or tails of (yet). AND, you've probably already guessed this but, it's usually around something that triggers one of us. I can remember distinctly - sometime last year, we had a conversation one night about how he wished I would ask for help more (any other ultra-independent, oldest child, coordinators of chaos out there that STRUGGLE to even recognize they can ask for help, let alone what they actually need help with because it's always been YOU - doing the things, getting ahead of the situation, taking care of it, because....... if not you, then who)? The beauty of that conversation was that, in his voicing that, I realized that HE didn't understand (while it was literally simultaneously occurring to me) that it doesn't even hit my radar that I need help, let alone that I can ask for it. 🤯🤯🤯 And for someone that doesn't have that issue (bless you AND it must be nice 😆) the complete lack of understanding around why you can't just snap your fingers and reprogram that part of yourself can be FRUSTRATING to dance with (cause it is a dance, AND somebody's toes are almost guaranteed to get stepped on). While I was having this epiphany and sharing it with him, I immediately recognized the flushed cheeks, the tight throat, and the feeling of being judged (Guess who was judging me? Hint - It wasn't him, but I FELT and ACTED like it was him). I could feel the (litte-t) trigger happening as we navigated the conversation, and was grateful for the equally recognizable dissipation of that trigger as we dove further into it (because he IS a safe person to talk to/with). And it was beautiful for ME to feel seen when (as I shared my insight about voicing my needs), the look of confusion followed by recognition and acceptance crossed HIS face. Eureka! Understanding!
Fast forward to the week after that when we were having an incredibly mundane conversation about upcoming logistics, and damned if I didn't feel that same flushed face, heightened emotion and defensiveness taking over again. And over something so insignificant. What. The. Hell?!? But this is where it really started to shift. Because I was recognizing that feeling as it happened, and because he has been a consistently safe person to talk with, and because I was becoming more and more aware of WHEN I was being triggered (even in the "smaller" conversations), it was becoming EASIER to notice that discomfort, sit with it, and spend just as must time listening to the words he said, without assigning meaning to them or taking them personally (That last part? That's the real key). What if, instead of reacting defensively to the information he was sharing and immediately taking ownership for the things he was SHARING I instead used it as data, to be weighed, considered, and measured against BEFORE reacting (in other words information vs. accusation, conversation vs. complaint, understanding vs. judgment)? See, when we step outside of the conversation and practice self-distancing (reflecting on our experience with the perspective of someone on the outside looking in) it starts to get easier to filter the emotion out of the situation (this is NOT me telling you emotions don't belong - rather that sometimes they create more issues because they're "driving the car"). It also helps us to let go of the assumption that someone's SHARING (not telling, not saying, not stating) is a direct attach. I mean, I get it.
It FEELS like a personal attach because they're sharing it with us, personally. But when there's a consistent disconnect in conversations, chances are that 1) emotion is at the wheel, and 2) the feelings and experiences being voiced aren't being HEARD (and THAT part is essential to connection), and 3) being triggered is keeping the conversation and resulting actions from being productive, let alone FEELING supportive.
So, what if? What if next time you noticed yourself being (little-t) triggered during a conversation with your beau (or anyone, really) you allowed yourself to 1) recognize that it's happening, 2) took a deep breath, or 10, and chose to sit with the discomfort, 3) immediately stopped assigning meaning to what was being said and instead listened to the information and processed before deciding what to do with (this might take minutes, it might take days), and 4) gave yourself the gift of disarming this triggering pattern?
And, if listening to the information just isn't possible, take a step back. Start getting curious around why you don't feel safe. What feels like an attach? Is it actually an attach? Is that something your past is reinforcing? Is that the meaning you're assigning the conversation (because SOMETIMES this is a clue that YOU feel responsible for something that isn't yours - another great thing to get curious about)? Or are those the words, literally, coming out of their mouth (this is where the self-distancing is REALLY helpful)?
If you can give yourself the space and grace to shift during those uncomfortable conversations, you know who will thank you for it (or in the very least appreciate it)? Practically everyone. Because disarming yourself with ONE, SAFE PERSON will help you disarm yourself in other areas and with other people too. Because this process will serve YOU, first and foremost by building a sense of safety and security WITHIN yourself. Because being able to communicate better will serve this relationship AND all the others. And those witnessing that transformation may even be inspired to take things a little less seriously AND disarm their own triggers.
Awareness is a beautiful thing, friend. And the more we can get curious around why we show up the way we do, the more we can understand where we're doing ourselves a disservice, then do the work to unravel that.
All my love 💗