I've been accused before of throwing around a LOT of new ideas. New words, big words, and bigger phrases that, when strung together, pack a whole lot of psychological and emotional punch AND...... sometimes a whole lot of confusion (let alone triggering a deep- rooted, unsettled feeling that you've been TRYING to pushdown, but can no longer deny). And the rumors are true - I DO share a lot of new words, ideas, and phrases, and this is why - There are too many of us running around (mostly in our minds) second guessing ourselves, doubting ourselves, critiquing ourselves, thinking there's something wrong with us, when the only things we might be "failing" at is better understanding ourselves and giving ourselves the amount of compassion and grace we extend to others. So many of the internal experiences we're navigating are something a LOT of us are rumbling with - But we don't know that until someone is brave enough to talk about it, or someone else highlights the information we didn't know we were so desperately searching for (It's ME! I'm the information sharing person!). Enter, Midlife Unraveling. Now a lot of us have heard the term, Midlife Crisis. And while we can definitely FEEL like some of our midlives have crises, I prefer Brené Brown's reframe, "Midlife Unraveling", and this is why. She talks about the following things in a way that feel truer, less "lost", and more BECOMING (which feels a whole lot more empowering than being in crisis): 1) Performance (as in acting) - We've reached an age (or in the very least, an awareness) where we realize that fitting in is bullshit, and we feel more inclined to create BELONGING, especially within ourselves. 2) Authenticity is starting to silently scream at us to take our rightful places in the world, and pretending is the behavior that stands in our path. 3) Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms are no longer saving us. They're what's keeping us in survival mode, when what we're ready for is THRIVING - Whether it's the disconnect between our heart and our mind (that keeps our willpower spinning hopelessly), our unwillingness to sit with our emotions, or a lifetime of experiences that hurt us, we've become so guarded that we've forgotten how to let life and love IN, in order to blossom and grow. But we're at a place where we WANT life and love more than ever, and we're willing to fight for that. 4) Decades of chasing worth and love has left us drained, confused, and denying what we were meant to give ourselves all along, because we were too busy trying to get it from "out there" versus giving it to ourselves. 5) We've gotten to a point that the F's we give are less and less. We want things for ourselves, on our own terms, and in the most authentic ways. 6) With less F's come more courage and power - Meaning we're willing to take more risks, and prove we can do it, not to "them", but to ourselves. 7) We're at a point where our fate is probably one of two things - Succumbing to what we've been (and staying that course), or breaking our minds and hearts wide open in order to become who we were destined to be all along. But what does all of THIS have to do with...... Rust Out (whatever the hell that is)?!? More than you can imagine. I was today years old when I heard the term "Rust Out". And while most of us have heard the term BURNOUT a million and one times, what we probably haven't heard or considered is its insidious cousin, Rust Out (see the definition in the graphic).
At a certain point we realize that our current reality is lack-luster at best. Not that it doesn't have its charm, or its moments of happiness. But overall it feels...... unfulfilling, disappointing, or maybe even resentful. But we're so busy trying to PROVE to ourselves and everyone else that "we're okay", "everything's okay", and we "shouldn't complain" because someone somewhere always has it worse than us, that slowly we become complacent in our own lives, at which point we feel more lost than ever. It's not enough that we were "sold a lie" about what would bring us happiness, or purpose, or fulfillment, and that we abandoned ourselves to chase the path everyone else went down. But now that we're LIVING the lie, what we've really lost is our self-respect. Why? Because not only are we NOT living life on our own terms, we're also hiding from the very things that make us more powerful, that enhance our vitality, that appeal to our personal sovereignty, and honor our individual integrity.
So what do you do, once you realize that a course-correct is the only thing that can help you find those feelings of gratification and fulfillment? You start to do the work of figuring out the intersection between 1) Who You Are, 2) What You Do, and 3) What You Know, and you find a way to bring that into your professional life, ASAP. But here's the tricky part - Not all of us will be able to do that in the professional spaces we're already a part of, and THAT is the thing that might scare you more than anything, and keep you gaslighting yourself about the changes you need to make. So your fate literally is in your hands - Do you stay the course you know? Stay in the roles you're in without changing anything? In the familiar? Where you know what to expect, even if it's sucking the life out of you? OR do you consider the other option - Seeking spaces that 1) Value what you bring to the table, 2) Have a culture that curates belonging, the power to do things differently, and isn't afraid to do things in a new way because they're also brave enough to admit when the old way isn't working, and 3) Recognizes that pouring into their teams and valuing them isn't a threat, but rather the glue that bonds them together? THIS is the struggle I probably hear the most from others - the recognition of spaces not working, intersected with the fear of change, intersected with the innate need to serve their purpose. Every once in a while there will be those that say "The hell with it", and create radical change by figuratively turning their worlds upside down. The interesting thing about that is, more often than not that approach is probably the fastest way to create the new normal, and part of that is because they don't allow themselves the time to get in their heads and psyche themselves out before making the change. They spend less time worrying about what "they" (everybody "out there") think, less time convincing themselves that safety comes from knowing and controlling all the moves they're executing (for themselves AND others), and more time opening their minds and hearts in order to do something new, and maybe even fail forward. The heart breaking approach that I see too often is when someone decides to pursue a "different" path, and does end up switching jobs, without properly identifying why they settled to start with, so they seek out a different space only to find that they've put themselves right back into almost the exact same set of circumstances - being overworked, underappreciated, undervalued, and feeling like their efforts aren't affecting positive change. An approach that's akin to hopping from one relationship to the next, without addressing whatever's going on with the common denominator (us). Don't get me wrong, there's a myriad of approaches, and each person and situation has unique needs, a unique sense of safety, and unique priorities and objectives. None of them right. None of them wrong. Most of them laced with "safety" that's actually control and fear and a HUGE lack of trust, masqueraded. And then there's one of my favorite ways all of this plays out - Someone who clearly sees the limitations their professional space inflicts, sees the struggles and disconnects within (and in themselves), sees their role and acknowledges how they're compromising themselves, and they tell themselves it's NOT time for a change..... yet. But once that awareness hits, things are already in motion. Somehow, without explanation, a series of events happens that, in the beginning, makes no sense. And a sudden change happens - Circumstances shift in a way that change becomes inevitable, and all of a sudden the "choice" to stay is no longer something that's possible (whether because of choice or circumstance). Whether that's a layoff, or passively seeking out new job listings, the little clues and steps have added up to ushering in the next chapter - A chapter only semi-consciously built, that meets all the needs they've been desiring. As a friend once put it, "It's everything I love about my old job, minus all the red tape and frustrations" - Meaning..... what they yearned for all along was always possible, they just hadn't put themselves in a place to RECEIVE it yet. Human nature is so funny (Funny, "hmmm". Not funny, "ha".) We tell ourselves it's "not the right time", not "the right set of circumstances", that there's no wrong way to do it while simultaneously trying to control how it plays out, and burn more time and energy identifying or venting about our frustrations versus actively changing them. We put on an act and tell ourselves that it's for the best, or that the change we crave is out of reach. We choose to cope with things that don't serve us, instead of cocreating the reality we crave and desire. We keep putting the power of change (and purpose) in the hands of others, instead of entrusting it to the person it most serves and most brings it to light in this world, and we tell ourselves our sense of safety is what needs to be considered most, without being honest about the fact that compromising our most authentic selves is one of the biggest threats to our actual safety (let alone living a life on purpose, with purpose). And we do all of this while wondering while we're bored out of our minds, lacking self-respect, prioritizing "comfort" over challenge, and only feel like a shelled version of ourselves. The days aren't getting any shorter, my friend. Your purpose is only as close as you hold it. Your self-respect is directly affected by your ability and willingness to be uncomfortable (in the best way) while also allowing yourself to be challenged. And that life of purpose, it doesn't come in the "cute little box" packaged as a J-O-B, or the lie we've been sold about what "happiness" and "success" are. It's YOU - You are the purpose. And until you allow yourself to be planted in soil that will nurture your roots and enhance your growth, it will continue to confuse, frustrate and evade you. What would happen if more of us chose to live on purpose, raised the expectations, heightened the standards, and used our agency to affect positive change in the spaces we're a part of? What would happen if more of us decided our purpose took precedent over the familiar and performative? What would happen if more of us were thriving because we tapping into our true potential, and passed that permission like wildfire to others? What if, indeed? Don't Burnout, my friends. Don't Rust Out. Don't Give up. And Don't Give In. Like Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure....". I believe you are THAT powerful. When will believe it for yourself? I read something yesterday that said this, "There is no 'right' time. There is only time, and what you do with it." Truer words have never been spoken. All my love 💗
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