We're here to talk about the "B-word" today - Boundary. Boundaries are a tricky thing. I don't know about you, but whenever I'm assessing old or current boundaries, or considering new ones, a string of questions wander through my mind. Questions like, "is this a wall, or a boundary", "is this boundary for me, or for them", "does this boundary still serve me", and my favorite, "what boundary do I need to operate in my integrity". Wait a minute. What?!? Operate up in my integrity??? What. Just. Happened. There's a lot of talk, a tremendous amount of talk, about setting boundaries, having boundaries, healthy boundaries, lack of boundaries. And I for one am overjoyed that those conversations and the plethora of information around boundaries is happening. This wave of normalizing where "you" end and "I" begin is a welcome, necessary, and crucial part of healing and resolving things from the past that no longer serve us. And yet...... there are some key elements of this movement that are doing us a dis-service. And that's what we're here to talk about. I see a lot of walls being erected, being labeled as boundaries. And when I think of the term walls as it relates to boundaries, I think of "cutting off", removing oneself (or others), of eradicating. Now believe me, I 100% believe that sometimes boundaries used in that way are absolutely necessary. And it's up to each of us, as individuals, to do what feels right for us, even when it means removing someone or something out of our lives AND I think that sometimes we are all too swift to make hasty decisions, shut down and shut out, to avoid a different kind of discomfort, all in the name of "boundaries". In doing so, we sometimes lose a piece of ourselves, lose something we don't have to lose, something that contributes to our wholeness, but feels too scary or threatening or overwhelming to entertain. But what does all of that even mean? Where the heck am I going with this?
Let's take a look at this graphic for a minute. I'm serious - cause this is important stuff, and it just might blow your mind AND connect the dots.
Boundaries >> Self-Trust >> Grounded Confidence >> Authenticity.
Boundaries >> Self-Trust >> Grounded Confidence >> Authenticity.
One more time..... Boundaries >> Self-Trust >> Grounded Confidence >> Authenticity.
You see, boundaries are just a small piece of the puzzle (small but mighty) that leads to our wholeness. And the trickle effect they have on claiming our most authentic selves is something we seem to (more often than not) fail to realize. Why? Neither one of us has the time to list all of the things that contribute to this struggle. But here are a few examples.
•We're more worried about what everyone else thinks we "should" be doing
•It doesn't feel safe to set healthy boundaries (and the push-back SUCKS)
•The people-pleaser in us is still trying to do things for everyone else vs. ourselves
•Somewhere along the way we convinced ourselves (or were convinced by others) that the well-being of others, and the "right way" to do things was solely our responsibility
Any of those hit home?
So how do we connect the dots from boundaries to authenticity? Well, let's talk about that second ring (see the graphic above), SELF-TRUST.
Now this, THIS, is a big one. Why are we scared to do so many things? Because past history (whether our own or someone else's, or societies as a whole) showed us that something was scary and/or traumatic, and now the risks don't seem to outweigh the benefits, right? Our brain is trying to do its job (keep us safe) which has its beneficial moments, but more often than not it actually cripples us and our progress. So those past experiences have taught us we couldn't trust something or someone, right? Someone in a relationship, in a friendship, in a work environment, in our societies or culture? And when we think about those experiences, how does that tie back to self-trust and boundaries?
Our desire & ability to recognize and build awareness around what contributes to the best version of ourselves (our personal integrity) ➡️ paves the way to understanding & accepting ourselves ➡️ which leads to setting healthy boundaries ➡️ in turn showing us we can trust ourselves.
You feel safe, and self-assured, and respect yourself NOT because there isn't the potential for danger or harm or hurt BUT BECAUSE YOU TRUST YOURSELF to do what's best for you in any situation. That doesn't mean you'll never face a crisis or find yourself faltering from burnout, or will be able to avoid hard and heavy emotions. It means that with persistent and consistent practice of building awareness, honoring who you are and what you need, and doing things *even when* they feel scary or hard, you will be able to get to a place of trusting that you will do what it takes FOR YOURSELF to preserve your integrity, and that even in the hard chapters you know you will return to yourself (and your mind will come to realize that you can SURVIVE these hard and scary things!).
If we've ever had a conversation (you and I) or you've followed my info much, you'll know that I talk about process - A LOT. And here's why....... we're so caught up in wanting everything right now, we're so acclimated to avoiding the hard and heavy things, the things that challenge us, we're so focused on staying in our comfort zones that we don't give ourselves the opportunity to honor our integrity, let alone create the opportunity to RESPECT OURSELVES. Have you ever heard the saying, "It will work out 'in spite of'.......? That's what process gives us the opportunity to witness, that things will work out, EVEN THOUGH. And that is KEY to building self-trust.
So how does self-trust lead to grounded confidence? How, indeed.
If we think about healthy boundaries keeping you in your integrity (honoring yourself), and the process of doing things even when they're hard or scary means building self-trust, then grounded confidence comes from combining self-trust with the eradication of your inner critic.
Mic. Drop.
I dare to venture that most of us are constantly wishing we had more confidence (and not giving ourselves the credit we're due). Which can be really confusing and dis-empowering because most of us can also say that we're good or even great at some things in our lives (or areas of our lives). So what's the difference between being able to say it and being confident in it? The difference is how much time and energy we put into entertaining that voice in our heads that picks apart our efforts, that says there's a better way to do things (and making that more important than just starting), that compares how we're doing something to how "they're" doing it, that wants us to believe it has to be done "perfectly" (because what will "they" think). Do you notice any themes in what that voice is saying? 1) There's a whole lot of criticism (NOT helpful) 2) The majority of the focus is "out there", NOT in/on you (which means your efforts and energy are in things are probably being spent on things that you can't control AND you are actively giving your power away vs. centering it from you) So how do you shift that?!? That inner critic, that mean girl, she most likely won't ever go away completely BUT you CAN quiet her down, choose to ignore her, and learn to shut her down when she's trying to keep you "comfortable" (which is actually less "comfortable" and is more keeping things familiar). And when you can stop listening to "her" so much, when you stop letting "her" wedge doubt and insecurity between you and your best self, you give yourself the opportunity to use your trust in yourself to create confidence because you aren't allowing "her" to undermine YOU. Do you get what I'm putting down? Stop giving the mean girl the mic and you'll give yourself the ability to build more confidence. We've talked about boundaries. We've talked about self-trust. We've talked about grounded confidence. So let's bring that full circle to authenticity. Remember when, above, I was talking about how sometimes boundaries feel like walls, and those walls feel like cutting something off or eradicating it? Let's dive into that and connect it to authenticity. When we avoid discomfort, and set boundaries from a place of prioritizing things being familiar (including how we feel 🤯) over honoring our selves and our integrity, we are literally cutting out elements of ourselves and our lives that contribute to the best version of our individual selves. "Say more" - I don't know about you, but with myself, honoring who I am is more important than staying in the realm of the familiar (believe me, it's taken A LOT to get there). This isn't because it's easy, it isn't because I didn't/don't face incredible challenges or great hardship. It's because I continually invest in the best version of myself and give myself the opportunity to show up for myself (talk about self-trust). Why? Because the idea of staying the "same", staying "small", of not rising to my personal challenges just isn't something I can get behind. It means literally ignoring and denying what contributes to me being, well ME. Remember when I said that boundaries allow us to stay in our integrity? Check this out. The definition of integrity, according to dictionary.com: noun
adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished
How can one be whole, when we're not willing to be honest with OURSELVES about what contributes to our wholeness (let alone take action that supports that)? Now that, THAT is what this is all about. Healthy boundaries keep you in your integrity because you're brave enough (anyone picking up on all the Brené Brown references around here) to be honest with yourself ➡️ which gives you the opportunity to trust in yourself (to know what YOU need, to do right by YOURSELF, to do what you can FOR YOURSELF) ➡️ which gives you the space (hello, process) to build grounded confidence (because you're not entertaining that inner critic) ➡️ all of which contribute to your wholeness (the most authentic version of yourself). Making what's important to others and doing things in a way *they think* best serves you leaves little room for YOU. On top of that, prioritizing the ideas and opinions of others chips away at your ability to •Know yourself •Trust yourself •Honor yourself •BE YOURSELF YOU are here, in all your glory, with all your unique skills, character, priorities, values, and experiences, in a way that only you can live out. Denying yourself, diminishing yourself, hiding yourself...... Ladybug, why won't you dare to LOVE YOURSELF? Wholly, completely, the shadow AND the light, the hard AND the ease, in the familiar AND the new? Why are you constantly embracing all of these things in others, and living out double standards in your expectations of YOU?
Your integrity, your ability to love yourself completely (in every single moment), your ability to be your most authentic self - the key to ALL of that lies in how willing you are to be honest with yourself, set boundaries for yourself (most importantly WITH yourself), and how willing you are to LIVE your life. And in doing so, we pass on that same permission to others - because witnessing someone doing that for themselves shows others that it CAN be done, that it IS safe to be yourself, that if "she" can do it, so can I. And what's more beautiful than each of us showing up as the most honest version of ourselves? There's plenty of love to go around. How about we start sharing more of that with ourselves?
- All my love 💗
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